Recollections

(( November 13th 2015 ))

……..

It’s hard to wake up every morning knowing that you should have died if it was up to you, and that many people around you did. The questions why you, why them, what made you able to live, are always on your mind. That does a lot to one’s confidence or even a lot to the person in general. The pain and confusion that you experience, the feeling of misplace…

 ~ I walk through the streets every time I go back to Paris, tears streaming down my face looking at the flowers that are at the corners of streets, wondering why a bouquet isn’t there for me. A small picture with some kind words…why is my name not written in those stories? Why couldn’t I have taken someone else’s place? Someone who maybe had a child, someone who was doing amazing work in their days, someone working with a purpose…Why did a simple student, not doing anything out of the ordinary, survive?

   But I came to learn that was wrong to think that of myself. It was not easy, it took a long journey. I learned that every single person has a purpose, even though it may not be obvious at the time. But the amount of tears that were shed, the amount of times I hurt myself because I thought I wasn’t doing their memory any justice. It hurts. I don’t think there will ever be a day when I don’t think back and ask those questions, but in the meantime I have made the decision to try my best to make it worth it. Make their lives worth it. To work towards a purpose. I have to strive to make beautiful flowers spring from the earth with their memories, I have to prove to them that I deserved the right to survive, that it was not in vain. They are my motivation. I think back on that weekend and keep all their souls in my heart as I continue on, hoping I’m making them proud. I did not know know any of them personally, but it feels like I did, and still do. It was just a space of thirty minutes or so, and I would have been with them in another world for eternity, but no. I have to stay and finish my work here. I’m not sure what God has in store for me, but I know that it has to be big to make me stay. I pray only that I don’t mess it up. But I know they won’t let me mess up. I know they’re watching me, and steering me in the right direction, and for that, I can only be thankful.

         My heart sat in darkness, but no longer. The darkness can’t hold me captive                  anymore, I     will shine through. God with me, I will come through.

I’m writing this to you because in case you’re in a spot where you feel no worth, or purpose, you have one. I promise you. God would not be so cruel to put you on this earth without a purpose, He Loves You. Pick yourself up, just like I did, and as I continue to do, and you will find it.

                                                                                 Love,

                                                                                       Me