As someone who has dealt with depression on and off for five years now, I often wonder how I “did it”, or how I continue to “do it”. As a relapse comes on I think to myself, how did I go through this before? How will I get through it this time? It seems that with every new time the root goes even deeper, making it seem even harder to climb out of.
I tend to be a very closed and reserved person when it comes to my struggles or things that I’m working through. I used to keep everything bottled up, and take it out on myself – never wanting to burden someone else with my troubles. I know now that this was wrong. It is never about burdening someone…its about working through things together, out of love. It’s about mutual concern and aid for one another. But how does one turn to this idea after they’ve been keeping everything in for so long? And what does one do if he/she has no one to talk to, or feels as if he/she can’t talk to anyone?
I’ve tried. I’ve tried to become comfortable talking to my friends, and can finally talk about my past, but as soon as it gets to the present I stop. I become afraid of opening up. I don’t want to become an attention seeker, or to be perceived as that way. But that’s where part of the root lies, doesn’t it. I’m worried about the perception of others. I hate to think that I’d be looked at as someone who is weak, over emotional, pathetic. After all, that’s what I call myself when I’m struggling through something. That’s what I tell myself when I have no more motivation, when I’m confused with where I’m going, when I’ve been hurt and am trying to stand up.
The thing is, whenever I get hurt I don’t want to admit it. I want to tell myself that I’m strong, built of steel (haha) and can only be affected by things that I want to affect me. But that’s not true! It isn’t true of anyone. Everyone has a heart that can be broken, and everyone has a way and a time to get over things. Just because it may take someone longer than another, or if they have a different way of getting over something, it doesn’t make it wrong, or less important. Every person’s heart, emotions, and every single thing about them, is important. You deserve attention. You deserve love. And most of all, you deserve the ability to love yourself, and to be happy in your own skin.
~ I am not saying that I have an excuse to do or not do things because I am depressed, and that I can write it off every time I experience it… I know I have to work hard every day to conquer it, once and for all. I choose to work towards my goals, because I know I’m stronger than it, and I know that I deserve to be free, not to be tacked down. Its a journey, its not a stopping point. If you have depression, I urge you on because we can only continue through the hope that there is an end at the tunnel somewhere. You don’t deserve to stay in the tunnel forever, you deserve so much more!! If I came to realise this, so can you, my darlings. So can you.
Work towards your goals with me, because you deserve to meet them in finality. Work towards self-love, because you deserve to wake up every morning care-free. And finally, work towards happiness, because you don’t deserve to even lose one day to a rainy sky.
Xo – Z