In a time of complete uncertainty where many of us are having a hard time adjusting to the crisis of the world, I thought I’d share something I wrote down earlier. I have also been struggling with it, and have been trying to process it. I am trying to grow and thrive in this condition, but it is hard. I am in my final semester of school, one I have pushed through for five years because I knew it was God’s will, and it was a good place for me. Believe me, it was a struggle to stay sometimes though through the journey I’ve learned to fall in love with so much. This was my semester to close the chapter, and to graduate. Of course, in just a few days I was flying back home – leaving all my stuff behind, having said goodbye to only a few of my friends, and then learning later that week that coming back will probably not be a possibility this semester, neither a graduation ceremony. I was supposed to have a few more months to figure everything out, where my next move was, enjoy these last few months etc… and I’m sure many of you are going through similar things.
Before I write this down though, I just want to say that it is okay that you are struggling. We are not meant to have to lose so much nor are we meant to be okay with sickness or death around us. We are not supposed to have to be worried about our next meals, how we’re going to pay our rent, when the next time we can see our loved ones are…We are also not meant to feel shamed for these emotions, as so many are today. I am so sorry that/if this is a reality in your life. I am so so sorry that you are afraid, or are lonely, or sad. It shouldn’t be this way.
… march, 2020.
I surrendered to your will, Lord. It was hard. You remember me crying and being frustrated. I remember struggling with You, sometimes cussing your name- why, I asked. But You, Lord, you brought me through when no one else could. You took my hand, You wiped my tears, You taught me to learn how to say your name gently again. You helped me, Lord, and I was happy. But here I am, on rocky ground…. Everything which I thought we worked on together in the past few years seems to be unstable, and it’s unfinished. I thought we were meant to enjoy it a little longer together. But here I am again, Lord, on unstable ground, trying to recalibrate.
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Sometimes I wonder why you don’t allow me to enjoy the things I work on. In the past it often seemed that I would work, and these things would be torn from me.
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But then, Lord, I am not alone in this. I realized today that I have done the same exact thing to you so many times yet You were always ready to start from the beginning with me- unfailingly, and without complaint. Lord, I brought myself to you promising friendship over and over throughout my life. I promised you that this was it- this was the day I’d come to you and never leave, that I’d always try to be your friend, that I’d do everything a friend should do. I told you that I loved you, that I’d work on all my bad habits that are keeping you and I apart…
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But I haven’t, have I. Every time we worked on that friendship together, I ended up tearing it down. Lord, I’ve torn it down so many times. I’ve insulted you, I’ve turned away your love, I’ve thrown away your gifts with distaste. I watched you bring me through the hard times, I’ve watched you gift me with things I asked for, and I still let you down.
But You, Lord, you have never let me go. You always started over with me, You take my hand again, You help me learn again… every single time. I don’t deserve you as a friend, yet there you are with me, waiting for me to turn back to you every time I shut you out.
So here I am again, Lord. I’m coming to you because I am hurt, but I realize also what I’ve done to You, and I try to come without demand. I try to come to you in humility, Lord. I try to ask you, Lord, wherever I am and wherever you want me to be, please let them coincide.
So here I am tonight, Lord, hopeful. I am hopeful because I know you will be there to hold my hand, just like you did before. I am hopefully because I know you are there, even when I am down on the ground. I am hopefully because you never let me down. I just pray that I will be able to hold on more tightly than ever to your hand, and to follow you again to the next step.