- background: on my instagram page (@spreadyoursmile_) I’ve started a series this week which is meant to inspire a vulnerability about one’s faith. After I had my personal conversion to the Catholic Faith, openness or vulnerability about it was something I struggled with. I am therefore dedicating this week to push myself out of my comfort zone and share with you some thoughts or moments which have helped me through that journey.
- Broken down the posts look like this: A picture of my travels, to signify those things I miss but am grateful for before this pandemic, a quotation from my diary/prayer journal over this year to express vulnerability, and following thoughts written today to express the fulfillment or growth of those previous thoughts.
“I praise You because You have given me the best companions for my journey – those who have hurt me, and those who have comforted me. I would not trade even one of them away, Lord. Each and everyone one of them was perfect for my life.”
.
As a Catholic we often hear the command to forgive one’s enemies, and this is something that I often (and still do) struggled with. It seemed that as I got older hurt could embed more deeply each time it came about, and I felt that in my heart I did not know how to truly forgive, or I found that often or most times I couldn’t find the strength.
.
I didn’t know how to learn or where to start but I knew, however, that I had to find a solution because I have always been so set on never developing a bitter heart. I’ve regularly prayed that my heart would never find itself to be closed, and I asked daily that God might allow me to be one of His peacemakers in this world. So in truth, when faced with hurt and at the same time longing for the feeling to go away, I was a bit discouraged at times and I did not know how to move on.
.
I found a stepping stone that I want to share with you. (I say stepping stone, because it’s a small step in the right direction, but this is not where one should leave their aspirations to be.) In times where I would find myself hurt I started to challenge myself to no longer immediately direct my emotional reaction towards the instigator, but to put my heart on pause for awhile and to wait. After some time I’d begin to ask myself, “what good came out of this?” and to truly reflect on this question. I found that there was always a good which came in the end- whether it was in the form of an apology which led to a stronger friendship, or a further insight into my understanding of suffering that might help later on, or maybe this experience helped me gain patience and/or strength…I’ve found so many things, and all these consequences I found were in fact ones that would be useful to be a good peacemaker.
.
Once I would find that good thing I would tell myself “now I can react” but I’d do so with a new perspective. I would no longer react towards the person who hurt me, but towards God. When I learned of the good I would focus on it and turn it in gratitude towards Him, thanking Him that this opportunity for growth/gift of goodness was allowed to be in my life.
.
In many ways I am still learning how to do this and it’s a discipline that I know I have to keep up with, but it’s worth all the work and thought. I was thinking a lot while writing this (one would hope, haha) and was realizing how thankful I am that I found and took this step. It is so freeing. Even in the imperfect and small way that I try to take this step it has helped me. It has found for me that unburdening that I needed.
.
I hope that you choose to stay hopeful and to find the good which you can hold onto coming outside of this. So often it feels that there is no way that it exists, but I promise you it does. As someone who is healing from years of despair, and is looking back through her memories, I can tell you that if you really and truly search for it, there’s always a colorful flower planted in the dirt. There always was for me, I just wasn’t looking in the right places, or I wasn’t looking hard enough.
Just a last note, I want to make sure that it doesn’t seem that I am implying there is any goodness in being hurt, or anything positive about it. I am so sorry that you are hurt, that you’ve been hurt, and are suffering. Unfortunately, that is a human experience which every life has touched at some point in their lives, in some form or another. I merely want to stress that where there is evil, or hurt, or suffering, there will always be a good – you just have to look for it.
Love, Z