dear friends,
I’m sorry that it has been such a long time since I’ve wrote for you. Today I had some more time than usual to sit down, listen to music, and write…so here I am again, hoping to share something that helps you someday on this adventure that we call life. <3
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when you or I go to tell someone that something bad has happened to us often times we spend so much time working up the courage to tell them that we forget a whole other aspect: the courage to stay authentic to oneself and to not let our friend put their own spin on our story. I called this post “your story is yours” because today I wanted to write about the importance of your story- and how that also includes the authenticity to yourself in telling it. It’s so hard to open up to someone about something which has happened to you, I know that, and you probably know that too. But I’ve also found it hard sometimes to stick to my own story without adopting a twist added by the person I’m telling it to. It doesn’t even have to be a permanent one, maybe it’s just that in that moment the person says something and the next thing I know I’m saying “you’re right,” or compromising small things for the sake of their comfort. In the past I have even begun to feel almost guilty for the truths that I’ve said sometimes, just because others couldn’t hear them without adding their own idea of how the event happened. I’ll go more into why this is so important to me below, but simply put its because even the small things will lead to bigger things, and often times these small compromises end up sewing doubts in our mind which can grow bigger or bigger, and end up compromising what we know to be true.
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The truth is, we are right, our stories deserve to be heard, and our feelings also have the right to be acknowledged. But our stories not only need to be heard, they also deserve to be heard in their wholeness, and acknowledged as such.
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Most of the time when we reach out we want to be heard and are not reaching out for a potential explanation, or for you to add your own thoughts into the story. I think this is an easy thing to do when someone tells you their story…I often catch myself trying to develop a story or explanation for my friend, and then I have to remember that it is not up to me to come up with a better story for them. It is up to me to listen to their story, and comfort them when in need, and give them advice when they ask. It is not up to me to say “well maybe this” or “well maybe that” or “do you think it’s fair that you think that way?”
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Maybe I can better explain my message if I use an example from my own experience… When I first started talking to people about being sexually abused in the past- I received all types of reactions or answers explaining the situation from different points of view. I was so distraught because I would always think to myself, “you weren’t there…” It seemed that every time I told someone they would have something to add, or an added angle that “maybe you didn’t think of…” For some reason their explanations of the story would stick to my mind poisoning the truth of what had actually happened. I let doubt creep into my mind, and didn’t face the truth for so long, which meant that I didn’t reach out for help.
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it took a lot of work to build confidence in my story again- actually, it started three years later. At that point I had stopped attempting to tell people, I had stopped looking for help, and I bottled up the story as if it wasn’t important. Well, because I didn’t deal with it properly the memories were triggered back three years later, and it overwhelmed me. It was then that I realized I needed to do something because I couldn’t keep it bottled up anymore. It was then that I realized just how impacted I was by it, and I needed to rediscover the truth. I decided to open up to a friend of mine and it was in telling him that I realized what kind of response was a good one, and the one that I should have gotten so many years ago. I remember sitting there looking at my friend with tears in my eyes and telling him thank you. It didn’t turn into him asking about the circumstances, it wasn’t about him telling me what he thought, it was about him listening and telling me that he was so sorry for what had happened, and wrapping me in a big hug, and telling me that he was sorry that he couldn’t have been there those years ago.
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I don’t write this to attack anyone, that is never the intent of my posts, I write this to provoke thought and discussion, because the consequences of our actions or careless words can be more impactful than we mean. We need to start working better on how we respond to things, myself included. I know that it is hard being put in a position where someone shares something so intimate and we don’t know how to respond…I’ve been there. I think it’s good if we reflect a bit on how our responses could affect a person, even if they are not from evil intent, which is why I share this with you today.
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I thought about ending this post with a bit of practical advice– Advice for the one telling, and advice for the one listening.
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For the listener:
Whenever something is shared with me I try to respond in these three ways first, perhaps its a good start.
- I always acknowledge their hurt in some way, and console them according to the situation. (Sometimes it’s a hug, sometimes it’s saying that you are sorry that this happened to them etc)
- Thank them for confiding in you
- Show them that they’re brave for opening up about something like that, and tell them to be proud of themselves.
For the teller:
- You are Brave, and should be proud of yourself for acknowledging your hurt, and seeking help. Hold onto this truth.
- Tell your story as it should be told, stay true to yourself. Remind yourself that this is your story before you go to tell your friend.
- Remember that your friend might not be re-telling the story to justify the perpetrators actions. It’s hurtful to hear, I know, but maybe they are uncomfortable or don’t know how to react. I’d recommend reminding them gently that this is your story, and not theirs to tell, or that you only need someone to listen.
- If your friend still doesn’t understand that and tries to justify the perpetrators actions… remind yourself of your worth, the worth of your story. Also, I’d think about the importance of this person in your life…because if these were the eyes of a real friend, they would hear you when you ask them not to retell the story.
* as I was ending this post ‘Fuckin Perfect’ from Pink came on and I had to smile–remember friends, that’s you. Add that to your list too<3
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Sending love to you, and my inbox is open as always, in case you need a friend to listen. I will try my best. <3
Love,
Z