I deal with an addiction to affirmation or positive reactions from people about myself. Unfortunately, I’ve built myself on this in the past. Every single persons thought about me defined me. I’ve strove to get people to accept me, to love me…But you know who’s opinion I never cared about? My own. It didn’t matter if I loved myself or cared for myself, which I haven’t.
~
I never put myself first. Or if I do, the struggle that I experienced to do that is prominent.
I can’t say no, especially at moments where it counts.
I need you, but I don’t want me.
And so much more …
~
How does someone start to care for one who they’ve never truly cared about? How do you pick yourself up and teach yourself love and importance? How do you begin to invest time in yourself and your self awareness??
Why do people’s comments matter so much, when they shouldn’t?
People will always talk… and there will always be negative and horrible things said. The important thing to focus on is that you and I don’t deserve them, and that we shouldn’t let them have such an impact on us. The dirty looks or comments, the being put as a second option, the dragging a name through the dirt, the gossip and tarnish of your name… I don’t deserve the lies. I don’t deserve to be used as a tool for your happiness or pleasure. I don’t deserve to be the person you go to when no one else is left, the “last option.” None of us do. It’s important to realize that there will always be circumstances that aren’t fair, or that we don’t deserve, but we must put our focus on not them, but us. Because when we give these such an audience, they consume us. These words and opinions try to burrow themselves into your own idea of yourself, and unfortunately, they often succeed.
A message to you my loves
You deserve goodness, love, peace, and happiness. You deserve to be cherished and prioritized. You deserve to have true friends and others who mind their own business. You deserve to be respected.
It’s never easy to change ones self around, even if it is for the better, and we know so. Ask anyone who is dealing with addiction, how hard it is to stop.
This particular addiction that I have is actually not rare. I know some of you reading this can relate. And I’m so sorry, because you deserve so much more than life support from other people’s opinions.
Today the world is focused on beauty, in all shapes and sizes , and we often times shout this movement, but do we do so when it comes to ourselves? Do we find ourselves beautiful in all of our quirks and imperfections? Do we find ourselves beautiful amongst our sins, amongst our mishaps? Are we humbly reaching to the core of ourselves and being happy with who we are? Do we love ourselves as we should?
Are you happy?
If you give other people’s opinions way too much focus, know you’re not alone. And know that I’m right here trying to change that also, and my arm is stretched out ready to help you through however I can. I believe in you. And one day I really hope that you can believe in yourself.
First of all, I wanted to thank you all for constantly being my support, and for lovingly being so. I also want to congratulate those who have courageously opened up, and to encourage those who wish to do so. Your words mean the world to me, and I’m happy to know that I could inspire you in any way. So thank you.
I’ve been posed the question a few times (I’ve posed the question to myself as well, don’t get me wrong), “How do you push through even when you feel as if everything is pushing you back?” It is important for me to note here, as I normally do before I go into an “answer” part, that I am not an expert. I certainly fall as well, and its a work in progress for me too. With this in mind, I will try to answer the question to the best of my abilities, with the little knowledge and experience that I have.
There are a few ways that I’ve heard of that can help: some people think of hope for the future, some to prove others wrong, some to rise up and be an inspiration to others, and some others attach themselves to a loved one. Some people choose one, two, or other combinations, and some people choose none. I think that each person needs to choose every single reason they can find because YOU (yes, you!) have every reason to continue on, to push yourself to succeed, and to thrive. And even if you don’t find one, or feel as if you can’t find one, know that there IS a reason – there ARE reasons – for you to continue pushing on.
++ HOPE: There will always be hope. Have you looked outside your window? The opportunities are nameless for you … there are countless people for you to meet, countless of places for you to go. You DO have second chances, or third, or fourths! (etc!) No one can tell you when to stop growing except yourself. YOU are the one who controls this. You are the one who tells yourself to keep going, or to try again, or to give up.
Many people know this, what I’ve written above, but they ask the question “is there hope for me personally?” The answer is yes!! If you look at yourself, and stop comparing yourself to others (easier said than done, am I right?) No matter how many times you start over from a blank plate, the mere fact that you have this opportunity to start over is a sign of hope. And you CAN start over, because once again, YOU are the one who is controlling that. What it all comes down to is if you’re the one giving up, you’re the one limiting the hope … that which you were so worried on if you had. Don’t let yourself down, live and believe in hope.
++ Proving others wrong: This one is hard, because I don’t think that this should be one’s only striving factor. I think that yes, this is something that drives us, however, to prove yourself wrong should be the main drive. If you really think the only thing driving you is that you want to prove to _______ that you’re not a weak person, or that you can succeed, then look at yourself and prove yourself wrong first. If you think that the only reason for you to succeed is to prove people wrong, than focus on yourself and prove yourself wrong. Do it for you, not for them.
++ Be an inspiration to others: Again, yes, be an inspiration to others…But be an inspiration to yourself!! Don’t lose yourself in others. It is SO easy. But can you truly give yourself to others if you’re not giving to yourself too? This is something that I’ve struggled with personally. I’ve always wanted to inspire people, or to help them, however, I realised the hard way that that cannot be done unless I am also giving time to myself. If I’m not truly making an effort for myself, how can I show someone else how to do the same? If I keep fixing the broken pieces of others with my own broken pieces, when do I fall apart? I’m not saying to put one aside while you work on the other, but they should be on a journey together.
++ Attach yourself to a loved one: Again, yes, but you should be your own loved one as well. However, with this point, I wanted to write about something which I hold close to my heart, on the topic of self-love/self-worth. Because when one doesn’t have these two things, and you attach the value of yourself/your life to a loved one, what do you do when that person lets you down? Or what do you do the moment you don’t feel love?
I can tell you now that my previous difficulties have stemmed from this particular problem, that I had no sense of self-worth, or had no idea how to love who I was. I would try to lose myself in helping others, and this was how I received my sense of self-worth. However, at the end of the day, I would feel empty. My sense of self worth ended up relying on others, and what I could do for them, rather than where it should stem from, myself. I’m not too sure how I came to this point, to thinking so little of myself, but I can tell you that to my parents and family that was so important to teach us … so I’m not sure how I lost it along the way, but I did. At this point you’re no longer even a nice or generous person, you’re in a way doing everything for yourself. And if you can’t find anyone to help, then you bring it out on yourself and the vicious cycle continues. After a while, your self worth completely relies on others, and if they need you, then that means they love you, and if not, then they don’t. You want to be able to help the person, because you love them, and you believe that you can bring something to them and give it to them, without any benefit for yourself. Even if you’re telling yourself that you love them, and that you want to give them something, you might be masking the insecurity behind…that you NEED this person to need you, otherwise your self worth goes away. This is not right. You should love yourself and give to yourself, and then also love and give to your neighbour.
Many people take their lives today with the idea that they will not be missed. They have this idea that leaving their family or friends behind won’t be a big deal, and that it will phase them very little…or at least, not for a very long time. My darlings, you don’t know how much you’re worth to them…and how much you should be worth to yourself. Just because they’re not showing it explicitly right now, does not mean they don’t love you. Just because they don’t need you right now, doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Just because you’ve been through a hard time together recently does NOT mean that they don’t love you. Love isn’t something which just leaves one day and springs up the next….love stays. I want you to be able to wake up every day understanding how much you’re worth, and how much love you should have for yourself, just as I want that for myself. Every person wants happiness, and strives for happiness, but that shouldn’t be found in another. Your happiness is not subject to someone else’s happiness. Every single person has a dignity, an identity, a worth, whom deserves happiness like everyone else.
Have Hope | Prove to YOURSELF | Be an inspiration to YOURSELF | Love YOURSELF
As someone who has dealt with depression on and off for five years now, I often wonder how I “did it”, or how I continue to “do it”. As a relapse comes on I think to myself, how did I go through this before? How will I get through it this time? It seems that with every new time the root goes even deeper, making it seem even harder to climb out of.
I tend to be a very closed and reserved person when it comes to my struggles or things that I’m working through. I used to keep everything bottled up, and take it out on myself – never wanting to burden someone else with my troubles. I know now that this was wrong. It is never about burdening someone…its about working through things together, out of love. It’s about mutual concern and aid for one another. But how does one turn to this idea after they’ve been keeping everything in for so long? And what does one do if he/she has no one to talk to, or feels as if he/she can’t talk to anyone?
I’ve tried. I’ve tried to become comfortable talking to my friends, and can finally talk about my past, but as soon as it gets to the present I stop. I become afraid of opening up. I don’t want to become an attention seeker, or to be perceived as that way. But that’s where part of the root lies, doesn’t it. I’m worried about the perception of others. I hate to think that I’d be looked at as someone who is weak, over emotional, pathetic. After all, that’s what I call myself when I’m struggling through something. That’s what I tell myself when I have no more motivation, when I’m confused with where I’m going, when I’ve been hurt and am trying to stand up.
The thing is, whenever I get hurt I don’t want to admit it. I want to tell myself that I’m strong, built of steel (haha) and can only be affected by things that I want to affect me. But that’s not true! It isn’t true of anyone. Everyone has a heart that can be broken, and everyone has a way and a time to get over things. Just because it may take someone longer than another, or if they have a different way of getting over something, it doesn’t make it wrong, or less important. Every person’s heart, emotions, and every single thing about them, is important. You deserve attention. You deserve love. And most of all, you deserve the ability to love yourself, and to be happy in your own skin.
~ I am not saying that I have an excuse to do or not do things because I am depressed, and that I can write it off every time I experience it… I know I have to work hard every day to conquer it, once and for all. I choose to work towards my goals, because I know I’m stronger than it, and I know that I deserve to be free, not to be tacked down. Its a journey, its not a stopping point. If you have depression, I urge you on because we can only continue through the hope that there is an end at the tunnel somewhere. You don’t deserve to stay in the tunnel forever, you deserve so much more!! If I came to realise this, so can you, my darlings. So can you.
Work towards your goals with me, because you deserve to meet them in finality. Work towards self-love, because you deserve to wake up every morning care-free. And finally, work towards happiness, because you don’t deserve to even lose one day to a rainy sky.
Whenever I’m inspired I want to write. But it seems that every time I start I cannot finish or if I finish, I never publish it. I don’t know if its insecurity or if its that I’m not happy with my work. I have this thought in my mind that people are under the impression that I’m searching for attention, or worse. I have this thought that people think badly of me, and if I continue writing it will only get worse. But that’s pride. There will always be people who don’t like me, and there’s nothing that I can do to fix that. No person, no matter how wonderful they were, were loved by everyone. I can’t change myself to be loved by everyone, so, how do I change my perspective? Well, I wish I knew the answer! Truth is, I’ve been trying to for years now, but I will continue on doing so. Everything is a journey and no journey is easy. There is always hardship accompanying you, but when you continue through it, it shows just how strong you are.
I am writing to help myself, but also to hopefully help my readers, in any small way that I can. So, I apologise for not sharing with you over the past few months. I will attempt to be better at it.
I just recently got back to school after a very long and much needed break, where I had time to think and get back on my feet. Though, I ended up relapsing and dealing with much emotional damage. I wished every day that it would get easier, but it didn’t. I searched for a way out, but came to the conclusion that I just had to take the slow way and work through it all. Instead of ignoring it, as I normally do, I had to pay attention to healing. I have this tendency to push everything away and “keep busy” so I don’t need to focus on myself, but that is so wrong. You need time to think of yourself, to see how you’re truly doing. Its a scary thing, because that means coming back to certain memories or certain habits and trying to work through them all over again. But if I can do it, I know you can do it too. I’m not saying its easy, it isn’t. And it won’t happen overnight. I’ve still got a long way ahead of me. But I’m convinced that since I started, and have continued, there will be good things waiting for me. And I can’t wait to see what’s ahead.
~ most of you know me as a lover of Paris. I’m constantly craving the scents of that familiar city : to sit in a cafe and hear the Parisians bustle about , to wake up every morning and rush to the bakery to choose which pastry I want (I’ve been doing that since I was a little kid!) to soak in the small art shops and vintage book stores . . . but there is something underlying it all now, which draws me nearer and farther all at the same time.
Where is the borderline between connection and obsession? Where is the line between love and pain? Where do I stand, dangerously crossing the lines?
I’m still torn up inside, and its been 2 years. I constantly find myself to be weak, to be pathetic … how can I still be dwelling on such a thing? How can I still lie awake crying some nights, how can I still become paralysed with fear, when there’s nothing surrounding me thats dangerous?
That’s when I have to remember to change my mind around. This is all to remind me that I am strong. I am going through it, I am coming through day by day. When I make it through a panic attack , I shouldn’t focus on how I was weak enough to have one. I should focus on how I CAME THROUGH it and how I am willing to stand back up and continue on. I’m not sure how long , maybe my whole entire life I’ll be dealing with this , but if I didn’t have something to test me how could I be proud of myself and who I am ?
Sometimes when things happen to us that we don’t understand we end up blaming someone , someone else or even ourselves … often times we blame God. But I think if we look at it in this way , the world is giving us an opportunity to become proud of ourselves, to love who we are, then we can make it through.
I’m not trying to say its easy , because it certainly isn’t, but what is ever given to you easily in life? You must work to be great. Lets become great together. =)
Well the answer is, get ready . . . almost there. . . N O ! But you were expecting that, right? ( hope so! ) but its not as easy as it is said, is it?
Every year I go back to school, just like every other student on the planet, just like I am used to. However, every year the anxiety comes back before I leave. Its nothing I haven’t seen before, I know what I’m signed up for, and what’s about to happen…yet there it still is, always in the back of my mind, creeping up on me as the date comes closer. I get angry at myself because I know that there is not much to be anxious about. As you can imagine, that doesn’t help the situation.
I know I’m not alone. I know there are so many others out there dealing with the same problem. And while I hope you are working towards refreshing your mind, I hope you also know that there is nothing wrong with you. Anxiety is a normal thing that people deal with. You just have to learn to curb it, to not let it control you. (easier said than done, am I right?!) I can tell you something, I’m anxious every time I post something on this blog. There are so many times I’ve started writing things and just erased everything . . . afraid to post to the public. Afraid for my friends and family to see. Afraid of anyone to see really. But if you think about it, everyone feels these emotions. Everyone gets anxious and everyone gets depressed. We just have to learn to not let it control our lives. We are so much more important than that. YOU are so much more important to the world than to be able to be beaten down by anxiety.
My darlings, I hope you realise this ~~ and I hope I can help you come through it with me. Anxiety should have no control over any part of your brain. You should NOT be anxious to be yourself. You should NOT be anxious about making mistakes. Why? Because everyone makes mistakes. Everyone wants to be themselves. This is how we learn. Everyone makes mistakes, I promise. I have yet to meet someone who is not beating themselves up for at least something!!
— Y’ALL, I better see you go play some despacito and dance it off … I’m literally doing it RIGHT NOW. Go do it!! You also better be posting that selfie, going outside of that door without makeup because you’re lazy (and STILL BEAUTIFUL,) you better be going to the movies with that boy . . . etc etc. Go outside of your comfort zone! Go live your life!
The biggest mistake people make when being faced with the reality of one who’s suffered depression and/or who have self harmed, is to ask, “when did this happen?” There is no one moment where this happened. Part is always crushed, part is always going into that hurt. It will always be a part of that person, a part of their past, or it can very well be part of their present, or even future. The temptation is always there, to go back to the darkness, to give up trying… But do not make the mistake to think we are broken. We are strong. We deal with these pieces every single day, trying to pull us back in. There is nothing more beautiful than one who is hurt, persevering towards freedom.
— a word for you, my strong ones : there will always be a battle to win – not won without difficulty. If you fall, get back up. You are not a failure to fall, but get back up again. Be strong for those who love you, those looking up to you . . Be strong for you. I made the mistake of convincing myself that no one loved me, that no one was looking up to me, but there are always people watching. Be a strong example. Be not strong for them, but for yourself first and foremost. Love yourself, you deserve it. Really, you do. I love you my dears ~ And you deserve to love and be loved.
– – – Always be confident in what you believe in. Never let someone try to shame you for something you believe in, something you are proud of. There’s no trait more weak for someone than that of tearing down what another believes in. When they try to make you look weak they are really the weak one. Don’t accept this abuse, lift your head high and listen to what you believe in because I can guarantee that changing to please them will make YOU miserable – and you are the important one. You can’t make another happy if you are not happy yourself. You can not teach someone to love themselves if you yourself are not a good example of that yourself. I know you might want to help – but you cannot help someone until you are comfortable with your own self.
“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.” —
“You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.” —
—- Failure. I know the thought, I’m quite familiar with it. I understand convincing yourself that you’ve done nothing but fail, even when you’ve just made an improvement. I know how one can convince themselves that even at their highest achievements, they’re still failing. But why do we have to do that to ourselves? Why can’t we choose to every time we have that temptation to turn it around? Manipulate our mind in the complete opposite direction…
Insecurities are hell to deal with, but are you actually dealing with them? Or are you letting them control your life?..
No matter what you’re insecure about, don’t be!! It can be as simple as that, or it can be as complicated as you make it out to be. I deal with insecurities, but I make an effort not to let them rule my life. I wake up every morning and make the conscience decision that I will not allow them to rule me. – Are there other girls who will look better than me? Sure! How about thinner? Of course! More fashionable? Yes… the list could go on and on. Don’t make the mistake of wishing you were them. Because are they you? Do you know what is SO COOL? No one is like you!! Just like no one is like me! You have such a big opportunity to become you – no one else has that opportunity. Choose to be amazed at your accomplishments, your abilities, your personality, and everything about YOU! Because I guarantee you are a freaking cool person – inside and out.
“Be who you are and say what you feel – Because those who mind don’t matter – and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr Seuss
And just remember – that every time you finish something, or you see something different about yourself, give yourself a big HIGH FIVE and thank God you’re not like the others. Its so cool to be different. Its so so cool to be who you’re meant to be.
It’s hard to wake up every morning knowing that you should have died if it was up to you, and that many people around you did. The questions why you, why them, what made you able to live, are always on your mind. That does a lot to one’s confidence or even a lot to the person in general. The pain and confusion that you experience, the feeling of misplace…
~ I walk through the streets every time I go back to Paris, tears streaming down my face looking at the flowers that are at the corners of streets, wondering why a bouquet isn’t there for me. A small picture with some kind words…why is my name not written in those stories? Why couldn’t I have taken someone else’s place? Someone who maybe had a child, someone who was doing amazing work in their days, someone working with a purpose…Why did a simple student, not doing anything out of the ordinary, survive?
But I came to learn that was wrong to think that of myself. It was not easy, it took a long journey. I learned that every single person has a purpose, even though it may not be obvious at the time. But the amount of tears that were shed, the amount of times I hurt myself because I thought I wasn’t doing their memory any justice. It hurts. I don’t think there will ever be a day when I don’t think back and ask those questions, but in the meantime I have made the decision to try my best to make it worth it. Make their lives worth it. To work towards a purpose. I have to strive to make beautiful flowers spring from the earth with their memories, I have to prove to them that I deserved the right to survive, that it was not in vain. They are my motivation. I think back on that weekend and keep all their souls in my heart as I continue on, hoping I’m making them proud. I did not know know any of them personally, but it feels like I did, and still do. It was just a space of thirty minutes or so, and I would have been with them in another world for eternity, but no. I have to stay and finish my work here. I’m not sure what God has in store for me, but I know that it has to be big to make me stay. I pray only that I don’t mess it up. But I know they won’t let me mess up. I know they’re watching me, and steering me in the right direction, and for that, I can only be thankful.
My heart sat in darkness, but no longer. The darkness can’t hold me captive anymore, I will shine through. God with me, I will come through.
I’m writing this to you because in case you’re in a spot where you feel no worth, or purpose, you have one. I promise you. God would not be so cruel to put you on this earth without a purpose, He Loves You. Pick yourself up, just like I did, and as I continue to do, and you will find it.
